Some of my more key relationships are marred by narcissism. I must be a magnet, as I have discounted my own potential narcissism. I have learned there is a spectrum and like everything else in life, there is good in this blight. They aren’t “baddies,” these narcissists, but are capable of a great deal of harm.

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Hey jealousy

Who remembers that 90s tune? I worked in news for years. I wasn’t even in the firing line because I worked behind the camera. Still, they call it cutthroat for a reason. Working in the fitness circuit, I didn’t expect to encounter it in a business meant to help people. Naive of me, perhaps.

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Ever sight

I didn’t have an opinion on love at first sight until I met him. Then I knew instantly. I denied it to myself. Seeing his face felt like sunshine. But nothing like this is real unless it’s mutual.

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The secret introvert

I found there’s a word for the likes of me – ambivert. I have this huge personality but I love alone time. I love crowd time. I talk a lot and love silence. But in 2015, I need to spend more time out and about.

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Loving is…

“Do you even know what love is?”

The first time you saw me cry, I felt all my emotions crumple together and melt because you asked me not to fall in love with you. I couldn’t plug it. I couldn’t cauterise my eyes with such little notice and suck the lump in my throat. It was too late. I fell in love with you the very second I really looked at you for the first time.

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Complex inferiority

While I am humble, I love myself. I say that and it’s still hard to voice because I didn’t for 31 years. Of course, I didn’t know that then, but my self-esteem had eroded to the bone. Then I fell in love with someone I inadvertently felt I wasn’t good enough for.

I have looked everywhere for insight to no avail.


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Prey and man

I went after you, he said, because I figured you had low self-esteem given the man you dated last.  I think it was then I knew there was no future with a man like this.  I felt he was predatory and somewhat of a sociopath.  I had never met someone who’s mind worked in this manner, let alone loved him.  I should have ran as fast as my feet could carry me.  Instead, I remained, stung and wide-eyed like the prey I was.

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Gradually, then suddenly

Very few things happen in any given life like a car crash.  I live for those moments that smack of being struck by lighting (figuratively-speaking, of course).   In hindsight, even leading up to significant events, all leads a gradual path, and suddenly, I find myself there.  I’ve been depressed and on the other side of it; both leading to the fall and the rise of me.  People are seldom magically destroyed or “cured.”  Many times, I have had blinkers.  A case of none so blind as those who will not see, eh?

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For a long chunk of my life I was very broken. I am an eternal optimist, soft and sensitive, despite it all. I am faced with security in one hand and a risk in the other. I am, for the first time, in a position to render aid and support to someone whose shoes I once walked thousands of miles in. But this man, who shall be referred to as Captain America, can really hurt me and I am wading in fear.

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Now and then

It’s so easy to romanticise what’s been. It’s so easy to pretend the past was all the good because it was in part more comfortable. It’s easy to delete how sad I was being 60 lb. heavier in a mere two months. How sad I was. How I knew my husband hadn’t loved me in some time and my house could have caved in at any moment because nothing was solid anymore. I am one to want to fix it all. But what can be done when something is done? Dead horse and flogging come to mind. I am a better woman now.

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