Prey and man

I went after you, he said, because I figured you had low self-esteem given the man you dated last.  I think it was then I knew there was no future with a man like this.  I felt he was predatory and somewhat of a sociopath.  I had never met someone who’s mind worked in this manner, let alone loved him.  I should have ran as fast as my feet could carry me.  Instead, I remained, stung and wide-eyed like the prey I was.

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Gradually, then suddenly

Very few things happen in any given life like a car crash.  I live for those moments that smack of being struck by lighting (figuratively-speaking, of course).   In hindsight, even leading up to significant events, all leads a gradual path, and suddenly, I find myself there.  I’ve been depressed and on the other side of it; both leading to the fall and the rise of me.  People are seldom magically destroyed or “cured.”  Many times, I have had blinkers.  A case of none so blind as those who will not see, eh?

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For a long chunk of my life I was very broken. I am an eternal optimist, soft and sensitive, despite it all. I am faced with security in one hand and a risk in the other. I am, for the first time, in a position to render aid and support to someone whose shoes I once walked thousands of miles in. But this man, who shall be referred to as Captain America, can really hurt me and I am wading in fear.

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Now and then

It’s so easy to romanticise what’s been. It’s so easy to pretend the past was all the good because it was in part more comfortable. It’s easy to delete how sad I was being 60 lb. heavier in a mere two months. How sad I was. How I knew my husband hadn’t loved me in some time and my house could have caved in at any moment because nothing was solid anymore. I am one to want to fix it all. But what can be done when something is done? Dead horse and flogging come to mind. I am a better woman now.

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Thunder and GO!

A band geek middle schooler, I was besotted with the Ysleta High School Drum Corps when I saw Sonia Villa donning the drum major headdress. I chose the drum corps to march the football season over the band because it was something so very special. 14 years after graduation, I returned to watch the game between Riverside HS and Ysleta (my son is in the Ranger Drumline). Watching the Drum Corps was painful. 

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This is my last ‘braggy’ post about my weight-loss. I have come where I needed and anything beyond this is not worth noting publicly. I only ever began writing about it because I understand how desperately difficult it is to lose oneself entirely. Regaining how one looks is the sweetest victory. I can’t imagine what it’s like to see a person I recognise in the mirror after everything going wrong two years ago. I have lost 70 lb. in seven months and fit into clothes sized 7/8. I never thought I would be here again, and certainly not this time last year.


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Dating sucks. I mean, it is the worst thing I can imagine voluntarily engaging in. I’m even supposed to revel in it. So much expense, time, dead ends. I don’t know how I came to be almost 32, twice married and dated at all in the interim. My heart is a little soft egg and I say what I mean, which is exactly the opposite of what I’m supposed to go into this with. I signed up with Guardian Soulmates and have not checked it once.


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Nine blessings

This morning at Zumba, I came across an article about living healthily. Counting one’s blessings came up and I was inspired. It noted, quite rightly, most of us berate ourselves and others, nitpicking what is wrong and seldom thinking about what is good. I did a ‘real age’ quiz in which my financial/marital strife raises my age considerably. I wanted to protest because I look for silver linings in everything, no matter how bad it gets. The point is, I will list 9 things that make happy in a few categories. I love lists!


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Hours that shine

Grey Gardens.  I hadn’t seen this film since I was a child, and while I found it interesting and charming, it didn’t inject the fear of God in me until today.  I have feared this is it and the best is now firmly behind me.  What’s worse – their life doesn’t seem so far removed from what my future may hold.  I’m petrified.greygarden061106_560

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The greatest feat is a work in progress

One of my greater fears was obesity. Not because of a social hang-up, but because I feared I’d never look like me again.  It always felt irreversible to me. My son took this snap of me being a jackass and I saw for the first time I am beginning to look like me.  I can’t begin to express how I never imagined I would look this way again.  Certainly not last year at this very time of year.

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